Posts tagged Relationships

Why Won’t We Forgive Ourselves?

The short answer to why we won’t forgive ourselves is, we’re afraid.

Afraid we don’t have the right, afraid it might incur the wrath of the people who taught us about right and wrong, afraid it means we’re not sorry, afraid if we forgive ourselves the evil within might finally gain control and we’ll hurt someone we love.

It is okay to forgive ourselves for our mistakes. We absolutely have this right.

We’re grownups now, remember? We make the rules (and the consequences). Take responsibility for how you think and feel about yourself.

Also, have you ever considered that not having forgiven yourself could be what is keeping someone from forgiving you? If you can’t forgive yourself, why should they?

If someone taught you doing something wrong meant you’d never be forgiven, I am so sorry. I really, really am.

It must have been terrible growing up believing any wrong move would mean a lifelong sentence of shame and isolation. That kind of burden must have forced you to contort yourself in innumerable ways as you tried and tried to do what was right.

Please know there is nothing you could have done differently to get it right. Not because you are bad, but because getting it right simply wasn’t possible. The game was rigged, the deck was stacked, the dice were loaded. There was no way to win. I know you know this on some level. Forgive yourself for trying, and for failing.

Forgiving ourselves does not mean we are not sorry.

It means we’ve learned from our mistakes and have allowed the pain of them to change our heart and mind. Let’s feel regret or remorse, apologize if we can, and then let the knowledge we did wrong guide us to do what is right the next time.

If we forgive ourselves the evil inside will not win.  It feels like it will, but it won’t. You will not become a bad person when you let yourself off the hook. I promise you that.

Not forgiving ourselves is not keeping anyone safe. It is keeping us feeling isolated and from loving each other as we constantly change, learn, and grow. Sure there are people like Narcissists who will never change but don’t forget Narcissism is a mental health issue, and everyone deserves compassion.

We all do bad things sometimes. Doing something bad doesn’t mean we are bad. Bad is something we did, it is not something we are. (Here’s a post on something bad I did that I had to forgive myself for)

I’m still making mistakes (probably some grammatical or spelling ones here), but hey, we’re human and we’re both doing the best we can, right? Let’s be proud of ourselves for trying, for recognizing our mistakes, and for letting them change us so we can do better next time.

Love,

I Kicked Him Out of Bed

You are good!

Maybe you’ve done some bad things in your life, but that doesn’t mean you are bad.

When I was 20 years old I did something really, really bad.

Something that made me feel like I was a rotten human being and almost no one knows about because I hate remembering I ever did such a thing.

To tell you the truth, I’m only talking about it now because I can’t think of a less revealing way to illustrate my above point: we’ve all made mistakes but we’re all still good!

So, at age 20 I moved in with my boyfriend. One night, we got into a heated argument as we were getting ready for bed. I wasn’t much for yelling, and we had roommates who slept in the room next to ours so we had to keep it down, but I was angry at him and I wanted him to know it.

So, I kicked him out of bedA bed he’d paid for in a room he paid half of the rent for.

Not only did I kick him out of bed, but I kicked him out of our room! Why? Because I was angry and because I knew it would be embarrassing when our roommates found him on the couch in the living room in the morning. I wanted him to feel bad.

Sweet Danielle not so sweet now, huh? Yep, I can be kind of a jerk sometimes.

Looking back 18 years later, I don’t know why I did such a thing. I certainly hadn’t seen that behavior modeled at home. Maybe I picked it up from a movie? Who knows.

At any rate, the next morning I felt terrible about how I had behaved. I don’t remember if I apologized immediately, but I do remember I made a decision never to do that again.

Kicking someone out of their own bed is no way to treat another human being, especially someone you love (and who owns at least half the bed). I’d let anger consume me, and I’d lashed out in a way that was hurtful. I did something bad, but that doesn’t make me bad.

The first layer of loving yourself so ferociously that you can survive anything that happens in life (even divorce) is to remember YOU ARE GOOD, no matter how many times you have screwed up.

You’ve done some bad things, but you’ve learned from them and done better since then, right? Forgive yourself. We’ve all made mistakes (and will make plenty more). Just do your best and remind yourself that those mistakes have made you who you are now.

You are still good. (I promise it’s true)

Love,

Are Dating Apps a Waste of Time?

You may have heard your single friends complaining that dating apps like Bumble and Tinder are a waste of time and that they’ve been using them for months but haven’t connected with anyone decent. What you need to understand is that this is happening to them because they are using dating apps incorrectly.

Dating apps are a powerful tool that almost no one understands how to use to meet the right person. This leads to wasting hours trying to meet someone (to no avail) which results in users feeling jaded about dating apps and even dating in general.

What this pint-sized anthropologist in a dress has noticed is people are using a tool that is as powerful as a magic wand as merely a back scratcher or a toothpick.

A dating app can perform the almost magical feat of delivering someone amazing and who wants to have a relationship with you right to your phone; but ONLY when you understand how to use it the right way!

It’s not the apps’ fault if people fail to recognize the power it holds or doesn’t use it correctly.

You can use a dating app to meet someone who would be an amazing partner for you and who will hold your hand under the table at dinner, text you first thing in the morning, and stand beside you through life’s inevitable ups and downs.

Some of the reasons your friends are not connecting with anyone decent:

  • They are missing the boat on when to ask for the date (timing is crucial) 
  • Their communication style is ineffective 
  • They don’t know what they are looking for (or looking at) when they swipe 
  • They are trying to play a game instead of being warm and genuine 
  • They are blaming the reason they are not meeting someone great on the lack of good people out there instead of realizing that the problem might be their own behaviors

Dating apps are not a waste of time. When you use my formula for dating apps, your worst problem could end up being having to choose which amazing person to meet in real life first.

There are 4 simple steps to using dating apps effectively and I have outlined these steps in my GROW formula.

Step 1: Give

Step 2: Receive

Step 3: Offer

Step 4: Win

When you go to make the offer to meet in Step 3, how you make it is the most crucial step. I’ll get you started connecting with the right people by providing you with Step 1 (Give) for FREE below.

If you find that the way I teach you to execute Step 1 feels good, I know you’ll be eager to buy the rest of the formula so you can learn the right way to offer to meet someone in person. But, start with the free class so you’re confident that this way feels more natural than what other people are telling you to do, ok?

There’s a lot of advice on how to date out there, but this formula absolutely works with dating apps and it will feel more comfortable and natural for both you and your match.

Someone amazing is just waiting for your swipe. Take the free class here because success never stopped meaning having someone to share it all with, did it? You’re ready, and I’ll bet it’s high time you put yourself back out there.

Love,

 

What Is The Difference Between Dating Apps and Online Dating?

Dating using an app today is different from dating online just 3 years ago.

If the last time you dated was before dating apps became popular in 2014, you may feel scared to create a profile, clueless about what to say about yourself, or frustrated by the endless messaging that doesn’t lead to meeting in person.

So, how are dating apps different from conventional online dating?

Technically, the difference between a dating app and online dating is that a dating app exists solely within the app on your phone or tablet instead of serving as a supplement to a larger website.

Dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Coffee Meets Bagel do not have an associated website, while conventional online dating sites (like Match) do.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that this is the only difference.

Learn what else you need to know about the difference between dating apps and online dating in this FREE class for people reenter the dating pool.

Dating apps are no longer just for hookups, and plenty of people use them to find meaningful relationships successfully.

Many people reentering the dating pool post-2014 feel confused about how to meet the right person using a dating app, not to mention afraid to set up a profile because of the stigma associated with apps like Tinder.

It’s 2017, my friend!

Not accepting that dating apps are no longer just for hookups is making you look and sound old.

Finding a new relationship is an adventure and you can quickly learn how to use dating apps to meet someone who wants to enjoy the delights of a committed relationship (like sharing quiet morning coffee and late night conversation) with you.

When you’re ready to meet the right person using dating apps, try the first class of my GROW formula for dating apps FREE here.

The first step to meeting someone who gives you the warm fuzzies is writing an inviting profile in the limited space allowed by dating apps. You’ll learn how to write a great profile in under an hour.

Included you’ll find:

  • Do’s and Don’ts for writing a great profile that makes starting a conversation easy and feels more natural
  • What photos to include (and not include) in your profile
  • The best order to arrange photos so they tell your story
  • How to spot someone just looking for a hookup so you don’t waste your time

If you find this FREE class helpful, the rest of the GROW formula will make your life so much easier and help you in using dating apps to meet someone who you can build a great relationship with much faster than you ever thought possible. Start by taking the free class here.

Love,